The Art of Getting Bagels

Ah… the start of a new relationship. Once you get past the “what are we?” stage, it’s pretty perfect. You’re both constantly dressed in your best, you eat out a lot and every minute spent together is a “date.” You stay up late asking each other questions because you have your entire life to catch up on. The words they say are interesting, their quirks are adorable and before you know it, you have a toothbrush at his house. Aw, so cute. Then, boom, reality hits at 6:00am. You wake up at his house after a long night of food and booze and realize you’re WAY more regular than you thought. By regular I mean, you have two options; use his bathroom and risk total humiliation when he hears you toot for the first time. Or wander out to the hallway bathroom shared by three dirty frat guys who have never bothered to clean it. Ever. Okay girl, get it together. Think. Your parents didn’t send you to a private school for nuthin’. Alas, Albertsons. The only store open at 6:00am and guaranteed to have at least three stalls recently cleaned by the night crew. But what in the world are you going to tell McDreamy when he sees you getting out of bed this early?

“I can’t sleep. I’m going to get everyone bagels.” Genius right? You’ve saved yourself the embarrassment of letting him know you’re a human AND he and the roomies will think you’re bomb.com for having carbs readily available. So, off you go, as fast as your twitterpated legs can take you. To Albertsons; the Holy Grail of morning bathroom breaks. albertsons-logo

And just like that, you’ve made it. Saved face and ready to drive back to bed until it’s time to be cute again. Oh wait though, you can’t go back empty handed. Damn. Just kidding, off you go, peaking down every aisle until you hit the one labeled “BREAD” and then off you go again, around the perimeter looking for cream cheese. Now to the register where Belinda since 2007 scans your walk of shame breakfast and judges you hard for being hungover or on drugs because who else walks into a grocery store bathroom for 22 minutes at 6:00am with shorts and a sweatshirt, smudged mascara and a messy topbun? I digress…

Bagels 2
Must have’s for bagel making.

Five to seven minutes later, you climb back in bed. McDreamy smiles and still thinks you’re the best thing ever. Little does he know you just multi-tasked like a boss.

***

Since I know you’re wondering; yes, I did this for the first eight months of dating my husband. I eventually told him why I woke up, every Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) to get bagels. He was totally weirded out but he married me so I guess it wasn’t a deal breaker. We affectionately ask each other if the other “needs to get bagels” anytime one of us has a stomach ache. Our guest room bathroom is referred to as “Albertsons” in case you ever stay with us and wonder why we keep telling you to leave your bags at the grocery store. Now that I think about it, coining the term “bagels” has come in handy. Middle of a restaurant, “I need to get bagels NOW.” Going down the aisles in Target, “Where’s the Albertsons in here?” And my personal favorite, yelling it across almost anywhere since strangers have no clue what we’re talking about, “Geez you’re grumpy, DO YOU NEED TO GET BAGELS?”

It’s catching on too. My friends, family, co-workers, and even a group of Nordstrom-employees are aware of the term. We explained “bagels” to one of our Swedish friends so I’m proud to say, it’s gone international.

Bagels 1
Wedding gift from my Maid of Honor – Yep, that’s a framed 8×10 watercolor painting of the many types of bagels and it sits on top of our toilet.

Happy bagel making! xoxo

-28 & Holding

 

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