I’ve come to the realization that the workplace is basically just a live Facebook News Feed. Why? Because it’s an eight hour opportunity for coworkers to spew out random crap that, in most instances, should never be said out loud. The only difference between the actual Facebook News Feed and the workplace is that quaint arrow on the top right of each post that leads to a drop-down menu allowing you to HIDE, UNFOLLOW, REPORT, or SAVE. The first two being the most glorious ideas since the invention of Spray Butter; the third and fourth being mostly unnecessary. Not following? Maybe this will help…
HIDE: When Matt posts, “Thanks Butters! Throw up three hairballs overnight so I’m two hours late! ARGH!” You think to yourself, “sucks for you” and keep scrolling. But when Susie Coworker comes in, disheveled and two hours late, you get the door-blockade story about Butters’ addiction to the dirt in her succulent plants. The succulent plants she spent two Saturdays re-potting in the sweltering heat because her gardener only mows and pulls weeds (last week’s door-blockade News Feed). Now she has to call Stanley Steamer to get the stains out of her area rug because “boy does that cat vomit stain” and she won’t have time to use that Barnes & Noble coupon that expires tomorrow. All you can do is sit there, trapped in your office hoping the fact you can’t relate because you don’t have ten cats isn’t showing on your face. Meanwhile, your computer has logged you out of your program and Pandora wants to know if it’s playing to an empty room.
UNFOLLOW: The guilt you feel when you unfollow someone can be pretty intense. There’s also that feeling of regret when they post something gossip-worthy and you’re the only one at Happy Hour who hasn’t seen it. All because you had enough of Carla cluttering your News Feed with photos of her shihtz-oodle wearing a tutu in front of Walgreens or Sarah letting everyone know her 26-month-old pooped in the potty again! But this is the risk you take when given the option to unfollow. An option you would sell a lung for when Frank from Billing won’t stop calling you Rebecca and insists that Nutri-Grain bars are better when you give them a zap in the microwave (I thought they stopped selling those in 1996?). Frank, of course, has been taking the bus to work for 32 years and rents a room from a nice family in El Cajon. He’s harmless, and borderline adorable, but if he mentions how good the coffee cart’s turkey wraps are again, “Rebecca” will need to put in for a transfer.
REPORT: If you’ve used this option more than once I would highly suggest you get a more fulfilling hobby. Personally, I’ve never had to use this but I sleep soundly knowing it’s available if someone decides to share a “How To Go Camping When You’re Gluten-Free” article. Other than obvious reasons, an option to click REPORT at work would be much appreciated. Mostly when Nancy Never-BCCs brags about her 802 credit score and that she is embarrassed to admit she voted for Obama. Why don’t you just throw in what religion you are and your stance on gay-marriage so there is literally no mystery left as to why you’re still single? Or, my personal favorite, when Bossy McBosserson leaves his bottle of generic Ritalin in the break room because he’s too distracted waiting for his son’s little league schedule to come out of the color printer.
SAVE: The day this is utilized will be the first day I don’t contemplate deleting my Facebook page. This applies to someone who posts few and far between, only hilarious and relatable statements, AND wouldn’t dare post a workout selfie or a plate of food.
It’s yet to happen. I think Mr. Zuckerberg knew he only needed three options but for the sake of not looking pessimistic, included the SAVE in the event this God-send Facebook friend actually existed. Fortunately, this option actually DOES exist in real life! And, if you’re lucky enough to find this person at your 9-5, treat them well. Order them their preferred Kleenex, ask what Post-it color they want out of the Tropical-theme box, and learn their pet peeves and never do that. These are the ones that make the other 90% of the cubicle residents tolerable. They call your office even though they are only 30 feet away to ask if Linh is seriously warming up leftover fish again. When you pass each other in the hall you roll your eyes in unison. Nothing needs to be said, you just know the hallway is where you roll your eyes together. And just like most Facebook friends, you will probably never spend time together outside the building walls but the distraction they provide keeps you sane.
On that note, enjoy your two day break from the News Feed!
– 28 and Holding
*Disclaimer – all names have been changed to save face/my job.