Eight Hour News Feed

I’ve come to the realization that the workplace is basically just a live Facebook News Feed. Why? Because it’s an eight hour opportunity for coworkers to spew out random crap that, in most instances, should never be said out loud. The only difference between the actual Facebook News Feed and the workplace is that quaint arrow on the top right of each post that leads to a drop-down menu allowing you to HIDE, UNFOLLOW, REPORT, or SAVE. The first two being the most glorious ideas since the invention of Spray Butter; the third and fourth being mostly unnecessary. Not following? Maybe this will help… Dropdown Menu

HIDE: When Matt posts, “Thanks Butters! Throw up three hairballs overnight so I’m two hours late! ARGH!” You think to yourself, “sucks for you” and keep scrolling. But when Susie Coworker comes in, disheveled and two hours late, you get the door-blockade story about Butters’ addiction to the dirt in her succulent plants. The succulent plants she spent two Saturdays re-potting in the sweltering heat because her gardener only mows and pulls weeds (last week’s door-blockade News Feed). Now she has to call Stanley Steamer to get the stains out of her area rug because “boy does that cat vomit stain” and she won’t have time to use that Barnes & Noble coupon that expires tomorrow. All you can do is sit there, trapped in your office hoping the fact you can’t relate because you don’t have ten cats isn’t showing on your face. Meanwhile, your computer has logged you out of your program and Pandora wants to know if it’s playing to an empty room.

UNFOLLOW: The guilt you feel when you unfollow someone can be pretty intense. There’s also that feeling of regret when they post something gossip-worthy and you’re the only one at Happy Hour who hasn’t seen it. All because you had enough of Carla cluttering your News Feed with photos of her shihtz-oodle wearing a tutu in front of Walgreens or Sarah letting everyone know her 26-month-old pooped in the potty again! But this is the risk you take when given the option to unfollow. An option you would sell a lung for when Frank from Billing won’t stop calling you Rebecca and insists that Nutri-Grain bars are better when you give them a zap in the microwave (I thought they stopped selling those in 1996?). Frank, of course, has been taking the bus to work for 32 years and rents a room from a nice family in El Cajon. He’s harmless, and borderline adorable, but if he mentions how good the coffee cart’s turkey wraps are again, “Rebecca” will need to put in for a transfer.Nutrigrain

REPORT: If you’ve used this option more than once I would highly suggest you get a more fulfilling hobby. Personally, I’ve never had to use this but I sleep soundly knowing it’s available if someone decides to share a “How To Go Camping When You’re Gluten-Free” article.  Other than obvious reasons, an option to click REPORT at work would be much appreciated. Mostly when Nancy Never-BCCs brags about her 802 credit score and that she is embarrassed to admit she voted for Obama. Why don’t you just throw in what religion you are and your stance on gay-marriage so there is literally no mystery left as to why you’re still single? Or, my personal favorite, when Bossy McBosserson leaves his bottle of generic Ritalin in the break room because he’s too distracted waiting for his son’s little league schedule to come out of the color printer.

SAVE: The day this is utilized will be the first day I don’t contemplate deleting my Facebook page. This applies to someone who posts few and far between, only hilarious and relatable statements, AND wouldn’t dare post a workout selfie or a plate of food.

Food
#nobodycares

It’s yet to happen. I think Mr. Zuckerberg knew he only needed three options but for the sake of not looking pessimistic, included the SAVE in the event this God-send Facebook friend actually existed. Fortunately, this option actually DOES exist in real life! And, if you’re lucky enough to find this person at your 9-5, treat them well. Order them their preferred Kleenex, ask what Post-it color they want out of the Tropical-theme box, and learn their pet peeves and never do that. These are the ones that make the other 90% of the cubicle residents tolerable. They call your office even though they are only 30 feet away to ask if Linh is seriously warming up leftover fish again. When you pass each other in the hall you roll your eyes in unison. Nothing needs to be said, you just know the hallway is where you roll your eyes together. And just like most Facebook friends, you will probably never spend time together outside the building walls but the distraction they provide keeps you sane.

 

On that note, enjoy your two day break from the News Feed!

– 28 and Holding

 

 

*Disclaimer – all names have been changed to save face/my job.

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How To Plan Your Own Funeral… I Mean Wedding

I promised myself I wouldn’t make 28 and Holding into one of the million wedding blogs out there, but with all the wedding wisdom I gained during my long ass engagement, I can’t help but post a few wedding related things. My plan was to post about writing your own wedding vows, but this seemed like a better fit for today. (Don’t worry, I’ll post them eventually.)

Weddings sound like a great idea at first, and they are, until you have to plan them yourself. I was engaged for 16 months and for about 15 3/4 of those months, I was an anxiety ridden, psychotic, overwhelmed, hot-mess. Lots of nights spent laying on the floor trying to get my brain to stop overthinking prices, colors, shapes, paper styles, iridescent or matte, full bar or beer and wine… The devil is in the details and oh man is it the devil! If you are in the midst of planning your own wedding then you get it but, for those who just got engaged (I pity you), here is what I learned from wedding planning:

Seating Chart
Beer+Seating Chart= the ONLY way to do it

 

  1. Be smart, don’t rush it. I keep hearing about people who say, “We want a short engagement. We want babies!” … Why? Once you have babies, that’s it. Life’s over. All of the Pottery Barn bedding and throw pillows you got off your registry to make your guest room look phenomenal get thrown in a vacuum packed bag and replaced with things from Babies R’ Us (gag). No more mid-week movie nights, no more happy hour, no more frequenting beer fests and definitely no more online shopping sprees for booties you don’t need, new scarfs, a couple books, 5 for $30 deals at Bath and Body Works. All your time and money goes to the kiddos. While yes, I’ve heard they bring a lot of joy, fulfillment, bla bla bla; are you really ready to give up your last few years of being “selfish.” Oh yeah, and having money to waste on $100 unexpected shopping sprees at Target?  All kinds of nope.
  2. The dress is just that, a dress.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my dress. I tried on about 45 until even my mom was sick of seeing her only daughter in a wedding dress. I loved it until I woke up to check my Facebook news feed three months before my wedding and saw a girl from high school get married in the SAME dress. It was 5th Grade Promotion all over again (Jenny S. showed up in the same pink graduation dress. Swear I’m not still mad about it). In any case, there is SO much stress over the dress and I guarantee you, before your wedding day, you’ll find 10 more you love. But as you know, once you run the card you are the proud owner of a shiny new non-refundable, no questions asked, dress. So whether you still love the dress you bought, or are in the process of buying one, know this: When your wedding day comes, it won’t matter. You will be so caught up in the events of the day, getting ready with your girls, seeing your groom for the first time, and the excitement of YOUR wedding day that, as long as you don’t forget your dress, you’ll just be happy it’s finally happening!
    IMG_3213
    That face though 😉

    *One last thing, no matter what your budget is, make appointments at any bridal salon no matter what their dresses cost. You (hopefully) only get ONE shot at being a bride so try on dresses that are $10,000! Why not? It’s fun, it makes you feel famous, and no one has to know you would have to sell your soul to be able to afford that kind of dress. Just don’t fall in love with it!

  3. People will say dumb stuff. Just get used to it. Whether it be, “Can I bring a friend?” “I can’t believe you’re inviting him.” “I can’t believe you’re NOT inviting them.” “Ew, gross cake flavor.” Or my personal favorite, “Can you pull the boat over and drop me off at another wedding?” I don’t know why people think they have a say in your wedding but they do. If they don’t like that you’ve spent $6.73 to “cordially invite them” to your wedding where you have spent roughly $150 on them to eat your food and dance to music you spent weeks choosing, then they can stay home and look at pictures online. *End rant*
  4. Start as early as you can. Our deal breaker with a lot of venues was if they kicked us out before 10 P.M. we were out. Looking back, I wouldn’t change the venue we chose but I would have started earlier. We started photos at 2:30 and even though our ceremony didn’t start until 6:00, we ran out of time and were SUPER rushed. You would think 3 1/2 hours is enough time for the first look, bridal party shots, and some family shots but, trust, everything takes longer on your wedding day. Whether it’s hair and make up, walking to where you’re going to take photos, herding friends and family, your timeline will be off. I know photographers charge for every second you have them but it’s worth the extra $300/hr if it means he/she will catch that much more of your day. It’s a stressful day. Let me repeat, IT’S A STRESSFUL DAY. So being rushed to take photos of a day that you will never get to relive, took you over a year to perfect, and is THE most important day ever is worth the money. Hell, you’ve already spent $40,000 (or more) so might as well throw in an extra $300 to make sure all those photos you saved on the “Groom Pics” Pinterest board actually happen right? You’re going to be up at 3 A.M. anyways so grab a mimosa, sit your happy ass down, glue on those lashes, and document every moment!
  5. Speaking of lashes. Get them. Nuff’ said.IMG_3264
  6. If you’re a control freak, don’t delegate. It will make things worse. If you have met me, you know I’m kind of Type-A. (insert grinding teeth Emoji here) I planned every second of the day including writing our officiants script WORD. FOR. WORD. I told him he could ad-lib a bit but I think he was too terrified that I would shoot it down. I also let my mom “help” with making DIY decorations but as soon as her foot got stuck to the drop cloth I fired her. One of my bridesmaids (bless her heart) made the mistake of coming over to help put together favors and I’m surprised she’s still talking to me. “Cut the tissue like this.” Five minutes later, “Never mind, I’ll do that part, you just add these.” Bridezilla says, “Too tight, see? It rips the tissue.”… Two minutes later, “Actually, do you want to just put the stickers on?” I think the only reason she didn’t throw her hands up and say, “F*%! this and F#@& you!” is because she felt bad for my poor mom and didn’t want to leave her behind to fend for himself. Then you have the people who will offer to help and you think to yourself, “Hell no. I’ve seen your car/house/closet… there’s no way your unorganized, Type-B hands are touching anything related to my wedding! Do you see a trend here? What’s that saying, if you want something done right then do it yourself. Just realize, it’s not them, it’s you. It’s totally you. You’re the high strung psycho who wants everything perfect. And, thank goodness it’s your wedding day, because that’s totally okay.

    Wrapping Favors1
    Don’t they look like they’re having fun?
  7. Remember, this is HIS day too. This is the most important one. After all, without him, there would be no bride, no dress, no ring, and no wedding. The stereotype that they just want to show up in their tux when they are told may be okay with some grooms but ladies, ask him before you assume. We all know it, the wedding is about the bride. Yeah, I said it. All your guests stand in awe as you walk down the aisle. The bride gets the “bridal suite” with a champagne welcome, ridiculously soft pillows and a full kitchen (why?) while your groom gets Room 3547 where the A/C unit won’t stop squeaking, he has a view of the parking lot, and he has to go down three flights of stairs to get ice in his socks. At the very least, just pretend he has an opinion. Do your research, give him “options” and make the one you really want sound better so he thinks he chose the DJ himself (I swear this didn’t happen). But in all seriousness, make sure he gets the few things he does care about. His favorite whiskey at the bar, his own song as HE walks down the aisle, polka dots (not stripes) on his bow tie, etc. You’ll actually get a kick out of what he finds important and what Groomzilla insists on (i.e. polka dots, NOT stripes). Promise.

    IMG_3290
    Groomzilla and his polka dot bow tie.

You learn a lot of pointless stuff when planning a wedding so I’m happy to be able to share my wisdom with future brides. And, if I haven’t totally terrified you out of having a wedding by now, I wish you the best of luck! Enjoy it. Soak it all in because the day after the wedding you get this question, “So… now that you’re married, when are you going to have kids?!”

IMG_3231
Excuse me mam, in the white dress? Your anxiety is showing.

 

Once again, with feeling!

After nearly six years and some unexpected inspiration, I decided to see if I could start blogging again. I have no clue why I stopped posting in 2010. I’d like to say I was hired by a big NY Marketing Firm and started working 16 hour days and couldn’t fathom having to document my massively exuberant life; but I didn’t. After roughly 200 applications, I ended up settling for the first one to take the bait in San Diego and without going in to too much detail, I’m not at the job anymore…

Don’t you hate when people do that? “Long story short, I hated it.” or worse is when they say, “I will spare you the details, but it was hell.” All I want to do when people say that is say, “Whoa, whoa. No, no, no, stop right there!” That’s great, you’re okay now, and your life is grand and you got out… but let’s hear it Drama Llama. I want to know all about your micro-managing boss (check) or your colleague who flossed with the door open (check again), and the guy from upstairs that would send you ridiculously inappropriate emails after you’d run into him in the parking lot (he finally relocated). These are the stories that make life interesting. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish any ill-will on my loved ones and I want them to be happy but let’s be real, I can learn about that on Facebook. The nitty-gritty comes over coffee and wine, and if you’re really ready to spill; tequila. So keep that in mind when you’re ready to skip specifics, company loves misery (see what I did there?). Then, once you’ve unloaded the best part, post that you got a new job/raise/promotion on Facebook and I’ll be one of the 143 “friends” that like it.

*End rant*

Moving on, it goes without saying, a lot has happened since 2010 but in one sentence this is what you missed: I got a job at a university in southern California, I moved out (#winning), I turned 28 again, and oh yeah, I got married. And here we are. June 14, 2016. Happily married to a pretty hot Swede and living the dream. By living the dream I mean, we make food for the week on Sundays which lasts til about Tuesday and whatever lasts longer is eventually tossed out within 9-16 days after we find it in the back of the refrigerator. I’m sure you can relate. Bonus points for those who find it and know opening it would put your body at risk of dangerous mold spores so you make the executive decision to toss the entire container. Other than that, life is fairly simple. Work Monday – Friday, live healthy all week, drinks on Saturday, and again with the cooking on Sunday. Set the alarm, snooze, snooze, wake up, repeat.

I’m under-exaggerating of course. We do have tons of fun all of which I will share throughout the coming summer. But, for those of you who don’t remember life in your late 20’s, it’s an interesting period of time. You have friends that are in one of four positions:

  1. The ones who are still living at home and therefore have no bills and still think they are in college.
  2. The ones who have a Masters, a career (not just a job) and make more in one year than I’ve seen in my entire 28 years on earth.
  3. The ones who got married (way too) young, have two kids, one on the way, are in “sales” and look absolutely miserable.
  4. The ones who got married at an appropriate age and are wondering who the heck they are supposed to hang out with on Saturdays so they don’t have to drink alone. (this one’s not me…. just kidding, this ones me)

 

On that note, I don’t want to over commit myself to this blog thing. Short and sweet but come back for more! Spoiler alert, the next post will be about writing my own vows since it took me forever, they’re pretty dang good, and other than this short little snippet, they were the first piece of creative writing I’ve done since 2010.

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28 and holding… the night before we got hitched!